The cost of worldly beautiful is expensive. In November my husband and I agreed to a certain amount of money to get me through a whole year for clothes, makeup, skin care, hair care, etc. Since I had more than my monthly spending money, I was able to buy nicer clothes and I wasn't settling for a $3 shirt from Goodwill.
I thought I was going to feel so much better about myself once I had the wardrobe I really wanted. Well I can tell you- I felt worse. It's nice to have the clothes you want, but my heart was hoping I would feel more confident, less fat, more beautiful, more worthy (of I don't know what) by having the ideal wardrobe and the accessories to go with it.
I sought after for a beauty that doesn't exist. I was seeking an identity associated with what I looked like.
Recently, I read a book that explained a woman who strives for beauty is actually hindering her beauty. God did not create us and design us to go find our beauty in things we wear... but rather to identify ourselves with Christ and let Him change our heart for the things He is interested in.
The closer we get to Jesus the more we reflect His glory... Jesus is Beauty. He designed it and He's perfect. I was pursuing beauty the world portrays... and let me tell you it does not bring you closer to Jesus- it leaves you unsatisfied, parched and starved.
I gave all I was to satisfy my earthly beauty. But what I need is my inward beauty to be seen. When I concentrate so hard on looking good (or any earthly thing) my heart is restless and focused on the wrong thing. Ever have that? When I rest in my identity in Jesus, my God-given character- the one that pleases and honors the Lord, Christ is seen and that is beauty.
All along, I thought beauty came with a price tag. It comes with sacrifice. Death to yourself. Death to pursuing earthly beauty. Clinging to God and His love- letting Him show you the depths of your heart... the one that has been changed by His grace- that's beautiful.
Although I am bawling right now and am not physically attractive, God thinks this revelation in my heart is beautiful because it's a heart that is aligned with His.
I don't know how to reverse the thoughts I've had for so long. But I want so bad to not think about what I'm going to wear until I go to the closet to get dressed. I want so bad not to think about what others are going to think about my newest shirt or latest trend.
Don't get me wrong, I think it's okay to dress nice and do your hair, nails and buy new and nice clothes. But when I thought about it too much and I desired beauty through it, it became an idol to me. It was pursuit that leads to false identity.
I want my identity to be in Jesus alone. I want Jesus to be seen in my life. I want to display all the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). I want others to want Jesus because of my joy in Him. That's beautiful.